Two Brain Cells

This morning, on the train on the way to work, I was sitting by the door. The train pulled into a station, and an elderly lady got up, with her two or three bags, to disembark.

As she walked past me, she dropped a newspaper on the floor.

Over the next two seconds or so, my mind did this:

‘I should pick up that paper and say, “Did you drop this?”‘

‘Actually, it looks like it was a free newspaper that she dropped on purpose.’

‘Still, I ought to offer it to her, just in case. It’s the right thing to do.’

‘But I’ve left it too long now, and if I stop her she might not get off the train in time.’

During this panicked thinking brought about by a perfectly ordinary situation, I found myself having an actual adrenaline rush; that raw chemical surge of urgency like I’d not felt for a long time.

My point in telling you this story?

It is to forewarn you that, when the time comes, I will not be very useful to you in a combat situation.

Names altered to protect identities.

17:18
[a] ah
[a] do you have a box spring bed?

[b] I’m not sure, what’s one of those?

17:19
[a] basically it doesn’t have a frame
[a] it has a springy thing as the base
[a] basically

[b] Oh, with big springs going across sideways?

17:20
[a] if you fill a sandwich bag with vaseline and stick it between the box spring and matress
[a] it hardcore feels like you’re doggying someone
[a] haven’t done that for a while
[a] but it’s going that way yunno
[a] yunno?

A. joined the chat room.
chrismear: hey
A.: hi there
A. left the chat room. (Quit: anti-depression walkies)
chrismear: Well, that’s a ringing endorsement of my conversation skills.

Chris: oh god, i didn’t realise this new beowulf movie was all 3D
David: Holy shit, seriously?
Chris: Yeah.
David: Estimated time frame for naked 3d model of Angelina Jolie to appear on the internet?

1. Didn’t notice existence of teapot, so didn’t boil enough water to fill teapot.
2. Poured water into teapot, forgot about it for an hour, brewed very strong tea.
3. Poured very strong tea into cup, forgot about it for half an hour, tea got cold.
4. Impressed by insulating qualities of teapot, poured second cup of still-just-about-warm tea into cup, forgot teapot has no built-in strainer, poured too violently, got half a mug of tea leaves.
5. Emptying cup into sink, forgot that the very purpose of this emptying was to remove tea leaves from cup, covered sink with tea leaves.
6. First successful cup of tea, missed mouth, poured on self.

I need to buy one of those 25 ml spirit measure things, now that I’m calorie-counting everything that goes into my face.

Last night I found myself calibrating a measuring jug below 100 ml using an adjustable steady stream of water and a clock with a second hand.