This morning, on the train on the way to work, I was sitting by the door. The train pulled into a station, and an elderly lady got up, with her two or three bags, to disembark.
As she walked past me, she dropped a newspaper on the floor.
Over the next two seconds or so, my mind did this:
‘I should pick up that paper and say, “Did you drop this?”‘
‘Actually, it looks like it was a free newspaper that she dropped on purpose.’
‘Still, I ought to offer it to her, just in case. It’s the right thing to do.’
‘But I’ve left it too long now, and if I stop her she might not get off the train in time.’
During this panicked thinking brought about by a perfectly ordinary situation, I found myself having an actual adrenaline rush; that raw chemical surge of urgency like I’d not felt for a long time.
My point in telling you this story?
It is to forewarn you that, when the time comes, I will not be very useful to you in a combat situation.
I love Instapaper and its one-click ‘read later’ bookmarking, but in the long-term it is simply creating another weight of expectation on my shoulders.
teh_skorgii Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Nucleo win Nucleo: you know, I will consider natural language parsers to be fully functional, when they can parse that — without having special code written for the case. teh_skorgii: pfft wake me when they can get James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher teh_skorgii NL is so fucked teh_skorgii because human language is inherently ambiguous chrismear *I* couldn’t parse that without having special code for the case. sysinfo That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is? • chrismear is not a natural language parser. Nucleo haha teh_skorgii natural language cannot be parsed unambiguously most of the time Nucleo chrismear, I am filing a bug report against you. Nucleo chrismear: who do I email? ;)
And so now I have a bug tracker for myself. Feel free to add problems that you have with me, or propose fixes. It’s called personal development!
I pretty much can’t deal with the world sober. And I can’t keep drinking in my sleep. Therefore, I must never sleep. It’s the only solution. 04:52 AM January 28, 2008
Today so far: toasted sandwich, olives, gherkins, porridge, trifle. It’s 6am. Despite this, I’m still within the parameters of my diet. Woo. 06:11 AM February 04, 2008
Smoking would sate the oral fixation I feel now that I’m not eating, and give me the buzz I miss now that I’m not drinking. Good plan, yeah? 11:12 PM February 08, 2008
Diet is going well, but need to do better at x portions of fruit/veg daily. Hence, big salad. 10:11 PM February 10, 2008
I’m not sure whether it’s the sleep deprivation, the malnutrition, or some combination of the two, but man I’m bobbing around quite a lot. 07:05 AM February 13, 2008
Friday night with a terminal window and a cheeky Beaujolais. If there’s more to life than this, I don’t know what it is. Oh, wait, yes I do. 10:24 PM February 29, 2008
Saturday night with a terminal window, a robust Cabernet Sauvignon, chocolate and fags. If there’s more to life than this, I… Oh, sod it. 07:02 PM March 01, 2008
Oh, the indignity of having to revise my Threshers purchase to get it under fifteen quid because that’s all the money I have. 05:34 PM March 06, 2008
Over the last 25 days, a full 13% of the calories I have consumed have arrived via alcohol. I don’t know whether this is good or bad. 07:26 PM March 06, 2008
It’s 8pm. I appear to be roasting a chicken. It feels like 2, maybe 3am. Not really sure what’s going on. 08:18 PM March 06, 2008
I think I would rather spend the rest of my life pissed. It’s much more fun. 09:43 PM March 06, 2008
That would be the second time in a week that I’ve fished something out of the bin and put it in my mouth. This ain’t a good trend. 09:28 AM March 11, 2008
Big greasy kebab + chips = diet fail = mmm awesome. I didn’t do four years of physics and maths for nothing. Equation win. 12:54 AM March 13, 2008
This sauce is “suitable for two people looking for a bit more excitement”. Hope it’s also for “one person looking for a bit more dinner.” 05:31 PM March 16, 2008
After 14 days of severe delays due to the wrong kind of chocolate and fried meats on the line, we are back aboard the diet train. 07:01 AM March 17, 2008
Mm, haven’t had whisky in so long. And if I wake up at 3am unable to sleep, then that’s an appropriate time to start drinking, isn’t it? 04:42 AM March 19, 2008
It’s situations like this that make me realise I shouldn’t hang around in pubs all afternoon. Then again… pubs all afternoon, yes… 06:54 PM March 20, 2008
Six pints down this afternoon, I infiltrated a London music store and decimated their pianos. A good day. 10:27 PM March 20, 2008
I think I might get me some of that ‘drunkorexia’ everyone’s so excited about. 07:49 AM March 25, 2008
Perhaps need to arrange a ‘do-not-serve’ policy with the kebab place, given the amount I’ve forced down my gullet in the last few months. 12:30 AM March 26, 2008
Sometimes a cup of tea just really hits the spot, like a kind of glorious celestial alignment. That time is now. 09:49 AM March 26, 2008
I should know better than to wade in on discussions about SCIENCE while I’m drunk. 12:17 PM March 27, 2008
I should know better than to confess my mid-week, mid-day alcoholism in public and non-anonymously on the internets. But what the hell. 01:24 PM March 27, 2008
I’d like to think that Science has progressed such that I could take the right mix of vitamin pills and then survive entirely on Guinness. 05:49 PM March 27, 2008
Interface designers talk about making every click a no-brainer. So that ‘Accept cupcake’ button was about as perfect as you could wish for. 03:42 PM March 28, 2008
I hate arriving early for things. Lots of drinking coffee and wandering the streets. Still, I hate arriving late for things more. 10:42 AM April 02, 2008
I read ‘Corporate Eucharist’ and taste salmon en croute. Only 20 people will know what I’m talking about, and none of them are on Twitter. 01:32 PM April 05, 2008
Concerned that, 6 years ago, I was already saying, “if anyone would like to join me, that would make me look less like a lonely alcoholic.” 01:42 PM April 05, 2008
On the way to work, I need to pick up coffee (easy), breakfast (easy) and a long hot shower (slightly harder). 09:11 AM April 23, 2008
Oh almond croissant, for me you are perfect this morning, if I could marry you I would, but then I’d just devour you and that’s not good. 09:34 AM April 25, 2008
Gloriously slowly getting sozzled on a lovely Saturday. Have, though, now three times in a row tried to take a swig from an unopened bottle. 04:46 PM April 26, 2008
Realising just how HUGELY CYNICAL I get when I’m drunk. Might want to tone that down a bit. 11:48 AM April 27, 2008
Something about “Toffee and Clotted Cream Fudge Ice Cream” suggests that it might not be the ‘healthy choice’. Still. I deserve it. 10:22 PM April 28, 2008
Guiltily wishing that alcohol came in non-recyclable containers so that I didn’t have such a stark weekly tally every Tuesday morning. 07:27 AM April 29, 2008
Far more slashed on lovely wine and cocktails than a Wednesday would normally allow, but fuck it, it’s glorious. 10:02 PM April 30, 2008
Had two packets of crisps for breakfast, then voted. Civic duty: success. Nutritional duty: fail. 09:00 AM May 01, 2008
Looking forward to moving. But mainly because the coffee girl at the new station is cuteandfriendly, while my current one is mostlygrumpy. 09:20 AM May 01, 2008
Crawling towards a strange Tube station in yesterday’s clothes looking for something greasy to eat. Glorious. 01:06 PM May 03, 2008
Seriously, have I started looking substantially younger in the last couple of months? Just got IDed AGAIN. 04:19 PM May 04, 2008
One beer belly for sale. Lightly used. Reason for sale: unwanted ‘gift’. 04:48 PM May 04, 2008
Wondering if anyone else fancies a Circle Line cocktail party before 1 June, just as a matter of principle. 08:46 AM May 09, 2008
I own 8 champagne flutes, 2 kinds of glasses for different wines and 2 sets of beer glasses. I own no crockery or cutlery. How… revealing. 01:34 PM May 11, 2008
Spent a good minute or two trying to figure out why the thing I’d just put my coffee on was surprisingly warm. It’s a strong brain day. 06:39 AM May 12, 2008
Just got half of my recommended daily calorific intake from a packet of cashews. Oy. 11:56 PM May 12, 2008
Noticed a nice pastry aroma, and removed my headphones to get a better smell. Later on I’ll take off my specs to give my taste buds a rest. 02:17 PM May 14, 2008
I appear to be, like some strange reflection of a child’s Christmas Eve, eating a carrot and drinking a glass of milk. 10:36 PM May 14, 2008
Forgot to buy carrots this morning. I urge everyone to stock up while you can, before news of the shortage gets out and the real panic hits. 07:51 AM May 15, 2008
Evidently burned the roof of my mouth last night on those delicious chips. It was worth it. They were delicious. Delicious chips. Delicious. 10:41 AM May 16, 2008
Feeling crap this morning, which in itself is okay, except that I only had a glass of wine last night, which suggests I must be getting old. 09:06 AM May 19, 2008
We’re already in the pub. This is going to be a productive day. 11:19 AM May 23, 2008
Much like how my physics undergraduate work was, coding seems to go much more smoothly and make much more sense after a bottle of so of red. 08:34 PM May 25, 2008
I have two new Wii games and 12 new bottles of wine. I should be excited. But I also have the sniffles. So I’m fucking off to bed. Night. 08:08 PM May 30, 2008
I really could look at cutlery sets all day. If this isn’t marriage material, ladies, I don’t know what is. 11:35 AM May 31, 2008
What was supposed to just be mixing practice has turned into a three martini lunch. What a cliché. 02:14 PM May 31, 2008
I can’t really remember how last night ended. But I’m home, and not all of my cocktail glasses are missing. That’s success, I guess. 08:13 AM June 01, 2008
I really need to stop going to church hungover and/or drunk. I don’t think they appreciate me texting during the service either. 11:07 AM June 01, 2008
Perhaps my favourite thing about drunken evenings is that when memories filter through later I’m not sure whether they’re real or dreamed. 10:06 PM June 01, 2008
Life lessons: do not try and give intelligent interviews while you’re sitting at a bar, five cocktails into the afternoon. 10:54 AM June 02, 2008
Oh my God, chocolate HobNobs need to come in a packet with a time-delay staggered release mechanism, because this consumption is ridiculous. 07:32 PM June 03, 2008
The best/worst bit about this three-figure bar tab is how it says “Guests: 1″ at the top. 05:39 PM June 05, 2008
It’s a definite sign when you forget the word ‘water’ and can only come up with ‘I need one of those non-beer drinks’. 01:44 PM June 08, 2008
Work’s so much nicer after a few glasses of wine and with music in my ears. But I worry the suits are getting annoyed by my random dancing. 04:16 PM June 10, 2008
Quandary: fussy sober mind reckons that there is ‘no real food in the house’. Add: one bottle of pinot grigio. Result: olive curry sandwich. 05:33 PM June 14, 2008
Lots of coffee, lots of sugar, in an attempt to keep me alive for the next 13 or so hours. Also: CHOCOLATE DIPPED HONEYCOMB OMG. 02:10 PM June 15, 2008
Midnight cheese and biscuits = best cheese and biscuits. Also, possibly, best midnight. 12:41 AM June 21, 2008
After about an hour of consideration, the best I’ve come up with for “describe your ideal match” is, “You should like cheese.” 12:11 AM June 23, 2008
That dinner I cooked and ate last night was supposed to ’serve 6′. It had a pint of wine and a pound of beef in it. This needs to stop, now. 09:46 AM June 28, 2008
Okay, so. I’m now officially utterly totally stressed out. This will have to be a glass-of-wine-or-two-with-lunch day, or I’m going to flip. 10:40 AM July 08, 2008
Attempted to add a spoonful of sugar to my morning coffee. Instead, added another spoonful of coffee. This is exactly why I need the coffee. 07:55 AM July 15, 2008
I seem to have accidentally had lunch twice today. I wonder if this happens often without my noticing. It really would explain an awful lot. 02:36 PM July 16, 2008
In trying to take one banana from the bunch, I somehow managed to accidentally simultaneously open all four bananas. So now they must eaten. 07:59 AM July 17, 2008
The main reason I turn tea-making into a ritualistic four-stage process? So that on each return to the kitchen I can snaffle another biccie. 02:40 PM July 20, 2008
Quite pleased that I’ve avoided the alcohol temptation all afternoon through the crafty application of tea. All bets are off at six, though. 05:24 PM July 20, 2008
It’s fascinating how just one tiny bowl of muesli can make me feel about twice as heavy as I did before. And about three times more SERIOUS. 09:05 AM July 22, 2008
At the cafe, began to say ‘double macchiato’. Brain chose to hesitate and say ‘er…’ instead. Result: ‘DUHHHH’ followed by awkward silence. 10:56 AM August 05, 2008
I think this pub is playing James Blunt. Hang on. Wait. Yes, it is. I chose the wrong bloody pub. 12:51 PM August 06, 2008
I’m pretty certain God started at ‘bacon’, and then just worked backwards to create the necessary ‘pig’ thing. 10:21 AM August 09, 2008
Everyone else in this queue is buying lunch. I’m buying two bottles of wine. Telling. 01:11 PM August 11, 2008
Ate lots of celery; now everything is tinged by it. The wet sky, the hopes of passers-by. Her lies, and the distance between. And my breath. 09:37 AM August 12, 2008
Some observations: mounting a bar stool is never graceful; having many outlets is a plus; yes, I know what you’re thinking and I don’t care. 12:43 AM August 14, 2008
Yesterday: ‘everything risotto’. Today: ‘everything curry’. I am handling a truly irresponsible quantity of vegetables here. Be very afraid. 10:12 PM August 20, 2008
Seems that ‘alcohol’ isn’t banned on the Tube, just ‘open containers’. What about those floating spheres of alcohol like they have in space? 08:32 AM August 28, 2008
Goddamn, it would be lovely if I could have even just one beer without then needing a wee every thirty-four seconds for the rest of the day. 03:30 PM August 28, 2008
These rice cakes started making a lot more sense once I decided they were, in fact, some kind of giant, disc-shaped popcorn. 06:04 PM August 28, 2008
About to begin the super-productivity I had planned for 32 hours ago. But maybe a tea first. And a few gins. And a smoke. And a nap. 05:06 PM September 07, 2008
Vermouth: the breakfast of somewhat pansy champions with no decent spirits in the house. 10:15 AM September 11, 2008
Oh mood-lifting, energy-giving, tummy-filling, lovely-tasting, endorphin-releasing chocolate, come to me. 05:02 PM September 11, 2008
There is a fair chance of me falling asleep while standing up in the pub this evening. 05:40 PM September 11, 2008
Having to step back out of the lift because you set off the ‘overweight’ alarm is not really a *fantastic* start to the day, is it? 12:01 PM September 30, 2008
I asked for an egg mayonnaise sandwich, not an egg and eggshell mayonnaise sandwich. Blark. 06:48 PM October 01, 2008
There is every possibility that my greatest success today will be remembering to make a boring cheese sandwich for lunch. 08:45 AM October 02, 2008
I am drinking tea out of a mug that says ‘coffee’ on it. I AM SO DAMN KOOKY. 12:34 PM October 02, 2008
For some strange reason, simply drinking glasses of cabernet sauvignon is not making this work do itself. Might have to switch to gin. 09:01 PM October 19, 2008
I now deserve cheese. Cheese deservation has been achieved. Commencing cheese. Cheese begins shortly. Consumption is imminent. 10:15 PM October 19, 2008
I have discovered the secret solution. The secret solution is: start the day with cake. 09:12 AM October 21, 2008
Food vendors between Liverpool Street and my office, prepare your eggs and bacon. My journey begins. 09:42 AM October 23, 2008
And now the froth in this coffee seems to be spelling the word ‘loser’. Not impressed with today. 03:42 PM October 26, 2008
“Once a week, we’ll be asking about the alcohol you buy, what’s drunk in your home, and what you drink yourself.” This could end in tears. 05:22 PM October 28, 2008
“When times get tough, the tough get tasting the finest champagnes known to humankind.” I like your style. 11:56 AM October 31, 2008
In a landslide victory, Sausage Roll wins over No Sausage Roll, bringing hope and true change in this new era of the United States of Me. 10:22 AM November 06, 2008
Oh, useless. No cash, no cards and no cheque book mean no sausage roll for me. The dream is over. Damn special interests. 11:07 AM November 06, 2008
Oh Lord, the café has started doing a special winter drink made almost entirely out of Nutella. This could be the end of me. 04:30 PM December 10, 2008
17:19 [a] basically it doesn’t have a frame [a] it has a springy thing as the base [a] basically
[b] Oh, with big springs going across sideways?
17:20 [a] if you fill a sandwich bag with vaseline and stick it between the box spring and matress [a] it hardcore feels like you’re doggying someone [a] haven’t done that for a while [a] but it’s going that way yunno [a] yunno?
An anecdote. I love a good tale of l’esprit d’escalier actually occurring before one hits the stairs. (0 comments)
